When Your Libido Leaves the Building (And Why It's Not Your Fault)

Let's talk about something that's gone missing in my life: my libido. Last seen sometime around perimenopause, possibly eloped with my memory and my ability to sleep through the night. If you've seen it, please return it – no questions asked.

For ages, I thought it was me. That I was tired, stressed, not trying hard enough, or somehow failing as a partner. Then I read Dr Mary Claire Haver's piece and honestly, I nearly cried with relief.

She's an OB-GYN who delivered hundreds of babies and handled every medical crisis imaginable, but when patients whispered "there's one more thing..." about their vanished libido, she had nothing to offer. Her medical training had literally taught her to say: "Have a glass of wine and relax." If a trained specialist was given no tools to help, no wonder the rest of us feel lost.

Turns out, low sexual desire isn't a character flaw or a sign you need couples therapy. It's biology. Brain scans show that women with hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) have measurably different brain activity. This isn't "all in your head" in the dismissive sense – it's actually observable brain chemistry. Seeing this in black and white? Validation I didn't know I desperately needed.

Here's what gets me annoyed: Viagra got FDA approval in 6 months with 4,000 patients in trials and was hailed as a national emergency. Addyi (a medication for female libido) took 6 years, was rejected twice, required 13,000 patients in trials (three times more data), and women had to testify about their intimate struggles in public hearings. When it finally got approved, the first question was about side effects. Yet Viagra had death in its trials.

The crucial bit: Addyi isn't "female Viagra." Viagra is about blood flow and arousal. Addyi is about brain chemistry and desire. Completely different issues, but women's sexual health has always been viewed through the lens of men's sexual health rather than as its own distinct thing.

Even worse? Some insurance companies require women to "fail marriage counseling first" before covering Addyi. Imagine requiring men to fail counseling before getting Viagra. Not going to happen, right?

No medical specialty truly owns female sexual dysfunction. For men, it's urology. For women, it usually falls under psychiatry – as if wanting sex is purely mental. Dr Haver received zero training on this during her entire OB-GYN residency. Zero.

According to recent Mayo Clinic data, 50% of women over 50 struggle with this. If you love your partner but the switch has gone out, you're not broken, not too stressed, and not failing. You may have a treatable medical condition that deserves the same attention men's sexual health receives.

And if you're like me, currently navigating this? We deserve proper answers, not platitudes. Unfortunately Addyi isn't available in Australia yet, but there are other solutions.

A friendly reminder: I'm sharing what I've learned, not prescribing what you should do. Always chat with your GP about what's right for your unique situation!

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